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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30105999">Loving you is a losing game</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperduck/pseuds/paperduck'>paperduck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Formula 1 RPF, Motorsport RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Charles being an ass, Developing Friendship, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, kissing with dubious consent/without consent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:42:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,464</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30105999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperduck/pseuds/paperduck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No, Pierre decided, he would not call off the bet.<br/>Emotional self-destruction was something he was exceptionally good at, and there had to be a point where his heart had had enough, right?<br/>It probably only needed the right push. He just hoped it would happen sooner rather than later. </p><p>Or: Charles is on his worst behaviour and Pierre tries not to be in love. What he doesn't know is that Charles, in a twisted way, does have his reasons.<br/>And what is Alex's role in helping them?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part 1 - the bet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay, you all know this is a work of fiction and does not represent any real-life events.</p><p>If you are (or think you might be) sensitive to characters displaying emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviours, no matter how (un)intentional, then this might not be the thing for you to read. Watch out for yourselves.</p><p>This idea started out a some oral fixation crack idea. But as soon as I started writing the first scene I knew it would turn out a lot darker than my original intention.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loving you is a losing game (Arcade, Duncan Laurence)</p><p>Part 1</p><p>“Charles, will you please stop asking, no, I am not going to kiss you.” Pierre turned away from Charles a little, knowing the other was sometimes unpredictable. Especially after a drink.<br/>
“But why do you resist so much, I don’t understand…” Charles pouted.<br/>
Pierre crossed his arms over his chest, looking at him from the side. He should not even entertain this conversation; he could only lose. Still he asked, “I don’t get why you ask me.”<br/>
“Your mouth looks really nice,” Charles said and somehow managed to look bashful. Glancing up through his eyelashes, playing with the bottle in his hands. Pierre knew it was an act, he had watched Charles perform it so many times on other people, still it didn’t fail to have an effect.<br/>
“Right,” Pierre rolled his eyes. “How much did you drink before you came here?”<br/>
“Nothing, I promise.” Charles shook his head, trying to stress his point.<br/>
“It’s still a no.”<br/>
“But Pierre!!” Charles wailed.<br/>
“I know what you’re doing, it’s not working.” Pierre got up from the sofa and walked towards the large window. More distance was exactly what he needed. Not that the room could ever provide enough of that distance.<br/>
“What can I do to convince you?” Charles pulled his feet up on the sofa and hugged his knees, the bottle neck awkwardly clasped in one hand.<br/>
“You can just give up. Why don’t you ask someone from your little Twitch quartet and leave me alone?” Pierre asked, sounding a lot more pissed off than he had meant. He did not turn around but was watching Charles closely through the reflection in the glass.<br/>
Charles pouted. He was actually hard to read. It was just a game he played, right? Then why did he look so withdrawn all of a sudden?<br/>
There was a long pause, then Charles got up and Pierre wondered if he would leave. He felt a twinge of regret at that thought. But Charles did not leave. He crossed the room and stood behind Pierre, his cheek resting against his shoulder, but otherwise not touching him.<br/>
“Are you angry with me?”<br/>
Pierre shrugged, carefully so he wouldn’t accidentally hurt Charles.<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
“I’m not angry,” Pierre said calmly.<br/>
“Are you jealous?” Charles asked.<br/>
Pierre couldn’t see his face anymore. Was he jealous? Not really. He did not begrudge them the fun, nor the time they spent in each other’s company. He did envy them the light-heartedness and the casual touching. Him and Charles had been like that, a long time ago. Now they only hugged when emotions got the better of them, when sadness or anger or happiness overruled the instinct to keep apart. Pierre couldn’t pin down the point where it had started. They still called each other friends, would readily talk about it, when prompted. But they hadn’t acted like friends in public for ages. It was only moments like this that he got a glimpse at how different it was compared to how it used to be.<br/>
“Pierre?” Charles touched his elbow lightly, with barely more than his fingertips.<br/>
“I’m not.”<br/>
“I really want to kiss you though,” Charles stated.<br/>
Pierre stepped away from him a little and turned around so they would look at each other. “No, Charles, you want to kiss someone, because you’re bored. Not me, just… anyone. Nope, it’s not going to happen.”<br/>
Charles walked off and flopped down onto the sofa, arms crossed over his chest.<br/>
Pierre raised an eyebrow at him.<br/>
“Okay, set a bet, let’s make it the stakes.”<br/>
“Charles, no.”<br/>
“Come on. Name your price,” Charles looked at him challengingly and Pierre knew he had lost. This had always been his problem, ever since they were kids, he just couldn’t say no to Charles and stick with it. In the beginning of their friendship he had been too scared to tell him no, out of fear he would simply look for another boy to be friends with and after years and years of Pierre always giving in anyway, Charles just took for granted that he would cave in at some point.<br/>
Pierre thought about it. The problem was, he wanted to kiss Charles, had wanted it for so long he couldn’t remember ever not wanting it. But he knew, actually kissing him would not do him any favours. It would probably be nice as long as it lasted, but it would never be enough to satisfy the craving he felt.<br/>
“If you get everyone of your Twitch gang to kiss you, with photographic proof, you get your stupid kiss,” Pierre tried to sound casual about it, giving a little shrug as if he couldn’t care less, while his heart pounded against his ribs, begging Charles to decline.<br/>
But Charles never backed out of a bet. “I accept.” </p><p>When Pierre lay in bed that night, in an impersonal hotel room far from home, he wondered how much self-destruction his mind was capable of. He wondered if Charles would actually get around to fulfil his part of the bargain. His mind automatically went into character assessments.<br/>
Pierre was pretty sure Charles would have no problem getting George to agree, as much as George always put on the level-headed, slightly too cool façade, Pierre knew he wasn’t above some mischief, doing his little bit of rebelling where nobody would find out. And Charles knew that as well.<br/>
Lando would be a bigger challenge, Pierre thought, Lando wouldn’t be interested in kissing Charles. Not that Pierre thought Lando was particularly interested in kissing anyone else, but on top of that he would likely be too awkward and wouldn’t get the hint unless Charles explicitly asked him. Pierre could almost hear the awkward giggling. Though Lando might be too guileless to not be outmanoeuvred by Charles.<br/>
And Alex? Pierre had a bad conscience when it came to Alex. He had avoided him for a while, he was just the physical reminder of Pierre not being good enough. Which really wasn’t Alex’s fault, Pierre knew that, still he didn’t want to interact. Weeks had turned into months and now it felt just awkward to approach him when they weren’t in a group, though Pierre actually really liked Alex. He was by far the hardest to judge. Pierre got the impression Alex might be too rational to agree to any of Charles’ suggestions. On the other hand, there might be a hidden side Pierre had not yet gotten to know.<br/>
Pierre turned onto his side, both hands under the pillow, staring at the outline of the window behind the curtains. It was out of his hands. Technically, he could still refuse, even if Charles won the bet. He might get a little angry, but Charles wouldn’t actually force him. Though of course Pierre already knew he would not refuse to fulfil his end of the deal.<br/>
Sometimes, when he lay awake late at night Pierre thought it might be easier if he could just hate Charles, forget all of their history and just avoid him. Sometimes, Charles gave him every reason to. He could be so obnoxious, self-centred to the point where simple annoyance wasn’t enough to describe Pierre’s feelings. But that Charles usually showed up when there were other people around as well, and usually it was directed at them, too. When it was only the two of them, Charles was more relaxed, less keen to be strong, more like the shy and gentle boy he had once been.<br/>
On his worse days Pierre wondered if that Charles, the sweet one, that leaned against him when they watched a film, that encouraged him with nice things, was the mask he put on. The mask that would grant him what he wanted from Pierre – affection.<br/>
All in all, Pierre knew he was doomed no matter what. He did not want to lose someone he would call his best friend without thinking about it. He was also very aware that those feelings were holding him back, were keeping him from finding a happiness he was missing in his life. Oh, he had tried to date, and it had never been terrible, but he had never been willing to work on a relationship, to fight for it, as soon as they had hit a rough patch he had simply given up, every time. Because deep down he knew his feelings for that other person weren’t worth it.<br/>
Pierre turned over once again, staring at the thin sliver of light underneath the door. He hated when his thoughts just wouldn’t quiet down. No method of meditation able to shut them up. He picked up his phone and scrolled through his social media accounts, bored out of his mind, his eyes burning, until he fell asleep with the phone still in his hand. </p><p>Charles met Pierre for breakfast the next morning. He looked as if he hadn’t slept well. He wondered briefly if there was something he had missed, something Pierre hadn’t told him. Then Charles decided the other probably just couldn’t sleep because of too much coffee or energy drinks, because if there was something wrong he surely would have told him. And if he hadn’t, well, then it was not Charles’ job to find out, was it? He had enough things to worry about, he would not add things that probably weren’t even there to that list.<br/>
Pierre sat at the table, both hands wrapped around a cup of coffee that had long turned cold. He wondered if he should ask Charles to blow off the bet. After he had finally fallen asleep the night before, his mind had provided him with weird, confusing and frustrating dreams, where he had to watch Charles kiss not only his friends unknowingly involved in the bet, but also pretty much everyone else Pierre knew. After waking up he had to admit to himself that he hated the idea. But it was his fault, wasn’t it? He was the one who had even encouraged Charles to kiss other people.<br/>
“Charles, about that b…”<br/>
He was interrupted by Charles’ phone as it started ringing and Charles holding up a hand, “Need to get that.”<br/>
Pierre watched as Charles got up and walked out of the hotel restaurant. He lifted his cup, then put it back down, knowing the cold coffee would be even more disgusting than it had been while it was still hot. He got up to get back to his room. Even though he didn’t want to, his eyes immediately searched for Charles when he entered the lobby. He spotted his friend walking up and down in front of a window, hands gesticulating wildly while he talked. No, Pierre decided, he would not call off the bet.<br/>
Emotional self-destruction was something he was exceptionally good at, and there had to be a point where his heart had had enough, right? It probably only needed the right push. He just hoped it would happen sooner rather than later. </p><p>*</p><p>Charles was bored. The party was rather slow and he couldn’t get drunk because he didn’t want to take a cab home. Besides it was only afternoon. Who even invited people during the afternoon? He knew very few of the guests and the ones he knew weren’t really people he had any desire to talk to right now. The day had been over-cast since morning, making it drag, giving him the feeling it should be night time by now.<br/>
There was a bowl of lollies on the counter and Charles picked a red one. Carelessly dropping the wrapper next to the bowl. Not his problem. The lolly was too sweet, still Charles kept on sucking on it while he started looking for George, who he knew had to be around somewhere.<br/>
Charles passed a mirror and instinctively checked his reflection. His lips were stained bright red, the colour of his car. He grinned at himself.<br/>
After a few minutes he spotted George outside on the terrace, talking into his phone while leaning against a wooden screen. Charles decided to join him.<br/>
George nodded at Charles and pointed at his phone with an apologetic shrug.<br/>
Charles grinned around the lolly. An idea popped into his head. He checked that he was in George’s line of sight when he started playing around with the lolly in his mouth, curling his tongue around and flicking it against the candy, wrapping his lips around it and pulling it out with a quiet pop. Once he had George’s attention, Charles made sure to keep eye-contact, repeating the earlier routines.<br/>
As soon as George ended the call, pushing the phone back into his jeans pocket, Charles stepped closer to him. He casually placed a hand on George’s arm.<br/>
George laughed, “Charles, what is going on?”<br/>
Charles pulled the lolly from his mouth, dragging it across his tongue and lower lip. “I’m bored.”<br/>
With a raised eyebrow George asked, “And?”<br/>
“You could change that…” Charles replied, lips forming an o around the lolly.<br/>
George couldn’t help it, his gaze dropped to Charles’ mouth.<br/>
Charles took that as his cue, he placed one hand on George’s cheek, the lolly held between his fingers like a cigarette, and leaned up to kiss him. He licked into the little gap between George’s lips before he pulled away and slipped the lolly into George’s mouth.<br/>
“You can keep it,” Charles winked.<br/>
“Did you just take a photo?” George asked, feeling a bit confused.<br/>
“Yeah,” Charles grinned, “do you mind?”<br/>
“You could at least have taken a decent picture,” George grumbled around he lolly in his mouth. His phone started vibrating in his pocket.<br/>
Charles chuckled and went inside through the glass doors.</p><p>*</p><p>Lando sat on the grandstand, enjoying the silence away from the garage and the morning sun on his face while he sipped from a reusable coffee cup. Nobody needed to know that the cappuccino barely contained any actual coffee. He just enjoyed carrying around the cup and trying to lick the foam from the inside as soon as he had drained the liquid.<br/>
He was busy on his phone so he did not immediately notice Charles approach. Only when he took the seat next to him, Lando looked up.<br/>
“Good morning,” Charles smiled.<br/>
Lando echoed the greeting. Charles looked way too pleased about something to not immediately get suspicious. Lando looked around, trying to see if someone was hiding behind the rows of seats, waiting to catch him unaware. He hated jump scares. But either there was no one there, or they were really good at hiding.<br/>
They made casual conversation and Lando gradually relaxed. He picked up his cup to take another sip.<br/>
Charles chuckled. He reached out, ran a thumb over Lando’s upper lip to collect the milk foam that had gathered there.<br/>
Lando was about to protest, when Charles put the thumb between his own lips and licked it clean. Instead of asking him what that had been about Lando stared at Charles, feeling baffled. That was strange behaviour even for him.<br/>
“You’re being weird…”<br/>
Charles grinned. “You looked too cute,” he told Lando, as if that was something he normally did.<br/>
Lando drew his eyebrows together, mentally planning an escape route. Unable to decide a course of action he lifted his cup to hide behind it. Unfortunately, it was empty at some point to he had to take it down. The last thing he expected was Charles leaning over, placing his fingers against one cheek and holding him there with a thumb on the other side and then licking across his upper lip. For a second Lando felt frozen, then he pushed against Charles shoulder. Face heating up with embarrassment.<br/>
“What are you doing?”<br/>
Charles licked over his own lip, catching a bit of milk foam that had transferred there. “Nothing,” he grinned and raised his own coffee cup, “just sharing a coffee with a friend?”<br/>
Lando glanced at his phone. “I need to… get going…” he got up from the seat, “see you.”</p><p>*</p><p>There was only one more person left on the list. And Charles was determined. He wasn’t sure if he could get to Alex, but in case he couldn’t, Charles had decided he would just beg. Alex was a nice person, surely he wouldn’t decline his begging?<br/>
Coincidence played into his hands when he met Alex in the elevator on his way down into the hotel lobby early one evening.<br/>
“What are you up to?” Charles asked.<br/>
“I wanted to go for a walk,” Alex replied with a calm smile.<br/>
“Great, I want ice, can I come with you?” Charles grinned.<br/>
Alex looked a little confused for a moment, “Eh, sure, I don’t know my way around here though.”<br/>
They walked around the area, not caring about where they went. They had their phones on them, they would find the way back eventually. It was nice to catch up, the opportunities to just talk with each other were really rare.<br/>
They ended up sitting down in the grass next to a little river, Charles had bought a Calippo on the way. And he really gave an effort to make eating it as dirty as he possibly could. Wrapping his lips around the cola-flavoured ice lolly, sucking on it while glancing at up Alex from below.<br/>
Alex watched his performance for a few minutes. It got more and more ridiculous, so he decided to just address the topic, “Charles, what the hell are you doing? That wouldn’t even turn me on if I was into you, which, for the record, I am not.”<br/>
Charles pulled the ice lolly out of his mouth and grinned, “Everybody is into me.”<br/>
Alex snorted. “You wish.”<br/>
It made Charles pout.<br/>
“So, come on, tell me what weird scheme you cooked up in your head,” Alex called him out.<br/>
Charles put the empty wrapper down on the ground next to him. “I need you to kiss me and take a picture.”<br/>
“What?” Alex laughed. “Why would I even consider doing that?”<br/>
“It’s for science,” Charles told him.<br/>
“You can’t even spell science,” Alex pointed out.<br/>
Again Charles pouted. “Why are you so mean?”<br/>
“I’m not mean at all. So, tell me,” Alex prompted.<br/>
Charles sighed theatrically. “I have this bet, with Pierre. And therefore I need you to do what I asked.”<br/>
“Oh, you really do deserve the worst friend award!” Alex exclaimed, a lot less playful than before.<br/>
Charles looked at him as if he had lost his mind.<br/>
“I will not do it.” Alex shook his head.<br/>
“But Alex! I really need you to, otherwise I will lose the bet!”<br/>
“Well, that’s not exactly my problem now, is it?”  Alex leaned back onto his elbows, feet crossed at the ankles.<br/>
“But you are the… only missing piece.”<br/>
Alex looked at Charles, feeling a little bewildered. He knew better than to ask, but self-preservation had never been his strength, so he did anyway. “What kind of stupid bet did you make?”<br/>
“Well, Pierre wouldn’t kiss me, then we made the bet. If I get to kiss you, Lando and George, and bring photos as proof, he will kiss me.”<br/>
“And you got George and Lando to kiss you?” Alex asked incredulously. It bothered him. He couldn’t exactly tell why, but it made him feel slightly uncomfortable. Well, he did know, but made the conscious decision not to think about it.<br/>
“Yes. Do you want to see the pictures?” Charles teased with a smug grin, having noticed the shift in the other one’s mood.<br/>
Alex shook his head once more. “No, definitely not.”<br/>
Charles looked down at the other. “So, Alex, will you really leave me hanging?”<br/>
“Why do you want to kiss Pierre?” Alex lifted one hand to shield his eyes from the sun while he looked at Charles’ face.<br/>
He just shrugged, “I just want to.”<br/>
“Have you considered there might be a reason why he said no?” Alex turned his head to look out over the river once more, the setting sun glittering on the ripples the slight breeze created on the surface.<br/>
“Alex, I don’t want therapy, I want the picture, so I can win this bet!”<br/>
“You can be such an arse,” Alex gave a short laugh, that held no humour.<br/>
Charles just shrugged.<br/>
Alex rolled his eyes and sat up, “Give me that stupid phone.” Deciding it was not his problem.<br/>
Charles handed him the phone without a word.<br/>
“Why is your screen not locked, Charles?”<br/>
“It takes longer, also I would forget the password,” Charles said.<br/>
“Do not move, I warn you. And you delete the picture as soon as you collected your reward for that stupid bet.”<br/>
“Okay,” Charles gave a nod.<br/>
Alex grabbed Charles’ chin between his thumb and index finger, just to assure he wouldn’t try anything stupid. Alex leaned in, their lips barely touched, and snapped a quick picture. He checked the screen and handed the phone to Charles before he got up.<br/>
“Thank you,” Charles pocketed his phone after getting up as well.<br/>
“Do not thank me. What you actually want to do is to find out why you made that bet in the first place,” Alex told him.<br/>
They walked next to each other, Charles lost in his thoughts and Alex not knowing what else to say.<br/>
Only when they could already see their hotel Charles asked, “Do you know why?”<br/>
“No,” Alex told him honestly. “But I can think of a few reasons.”<br/>
Charles stopped him with a hand on his arm. He sounded serious when he said, “I want to know.”<br/>
“Charles, I can only judge from what I have seen…” Alex tried to resume walking, but Charles held him back.<br/>
“You said I should talk to him… what about?”<br/>
Alex heaved a sigh. “When did you two grow apart?”<br/>
Charles shook his head with a laugh. “But we didn’t!”<br/>
Alex raised both eyebrows. “Is that why you hang out with us all the time?”<br/>
He could see Charles wanted to give a reply, then closed his mouth again.<br/>
They started walking again. Charles seemed to be lost in his thoughts again, so Alex just waved goodbye in the lobby and went straight towards the elevator.</p><p>Alex dropped down onto his bed, kicked his shoes off and pulled out his phone. He opened the group chat with George and Lando.<br/>
A.: ‘You kissed Charles!’<br/>
G.: ‘No, he kissed me, surprised me before I could react.’<br/>
L.: ‘Wait…’<br/>
A.: ‘Yeah, Lando, the ‘you’ was meant to be plural.’<br/>
G.: ‘Stop! Are you serious?!’<br/>
A.: ‘Yes, George, I am not even surprised you fell for whatever trick he used, but Lando?’<br/>
L.: ‘I really don’t want to talk about it, I’m still mortified.’<br/>
G.: ‘What do you even mean?’<br/>
A.: ‘That you are horny basically 24/7.’<br/>
L.: ‘How do you even know about that?’<br/>
G.: ‘No, don’t tell me he went for you, too.’<br/>
A.: ‘Apparently I was the last person on his little list, yes.’<br/>
L.: ‘Did you?!’<br/>
A.: ‘Not really.’<br/>
G.: ‘I am absolutely not!’<br/>
L.: ‘You are.’<br/>
L.: ‘Alex, did he ask you before…?’<br/>
A.: ‘Yeah, guys, that was what I wanted to talk to you about.’<br/>
A.: ‘So, Charles told me he had a bet with Pierre, that’s what he needed the photos for.’<br/>
L.: ‘Photos? What photos?’<br/>
G.: ‘They made a bet? What’s at stake?’<br/>
A.: ‘Apparently Charles wanted a kiss from Pierre and he refused.’<br/>
A.: ‘And he needs the photos as proof, so he can collect his kiss.’<br/>
A.: ‘Don’t you think that’s weird, even for them?’<br/>
L.: ‘He took a photo?!’<br/>
A.: ‘He said so. Did you not notice?’<br/>
L.: ‘Sorry I was busy being mortified, next time I’ll pay more attention.’<br/>
G.: ‘No need to snap at Alex.’<br/>
L.: ‘Stop picking sides! I wasn’t even.’<br/>
A.: ‘Don’t fight! Lando, do you need to talk about it?’<br/>
L.: ‘…’<br/>
A.: ‘Okay, that’s a yes, come over to my room now.’<br/>
G.: ‘And what about me?’<br/>
L.: ‘Well, George, you are obviously not traumatized.’<br/>
G.: ‘I will be if you don’t invite me over as well.’<br/>
A.: ‘Lando, your decision.’<br/>
L.: ‘Alex, that’s unfair!’<br/>
A.: ‘Okay, you can both come over.’<br/>
A.: ‘But I will lock you out on the balcony if you start picking on each other again.’<br/>
A.: ‘Both of you.’</p><p>*</p><p>Charles leaned in, he stopped so close to Pierre that they could feel each other’s breath on their skin. Though something in Pierre’s expression made him reconsider and he pulled back.<br/>
“You really don’t want to do this,” Charles said. It wasn’t a question and if he was honest with himself he had known before.<br/>
Pierre shook his head a little. “I lost the bet, go on, you can kiss me.”<br/>
“I don’t understand. Why did you agree to the bet if you actually meant you didn’t want it?” Charles asked.<br/>
Pierre took a step back and crossed his arms. Charles looked genuinely confused and it made Pierre angry and a little irrational. And he decided for once he was going to give in to the feeling. “Because you never take a no for an answer. You always keep on nagging until you have your way, I was tired of telling you no, and the bet was the only way to make you shut up about it for a while.”<br/>
Charles dug his teeth into his lower lip.<br/>
Pierre knew he was balancing on a fine line between getting Charles to understand and making him snap back angrily. Charles never dealt well with anger directed at him. Maybe, Pierre thought, he should have stood up to him more when they were younger.<br/>
“You are angry with me,” Charles stated.<br/>
“Well observed. Yes, I am. And you have no idea why. That is the problem, you know,” Pierre said, voice calmer again, the sarcasm very obvious. He lifted one eyebrow, daring Charles to deliver a come-back.<br/>
But Charles didn’t. He just stood there, frozen.<br/>
“Do you remember the last time you asked me how I was feeling? The last time you asked me what I have been up to, how my day was? When was the last time we made each other laugh?” Pierre added.<br/>
“I can’t do this,” Charles stated. The way he suddenly jumped up and nearly lost his balance was almost comical – almost. If Pierre’s heart hadn’t been busy breaking he might have laughed.<br/>
The door fell shut with a quiet click.<br/>
“Neither can I,” Pierre told the empty room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 2 - Resolve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pierre finds help in an unexpected person, we get to know Charles' point of view and find out if there's any chance to save what they had.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Mentioning of loss, otherwise we should be safe in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex walked down the corridor of the ridiculously fancy five-star hotel. He wasn’t about to complain, exactly, but he felt kind of stupid and out of place in his team shirt. He had almost reached his room, when Pierre passed him in the corridor. They were a little awkward around each other still, since they had switched places, even though it had been ages ago. Alex liked Pierre, and he felt guilty, even though it had not been his doing, or even his decision. He had tried a couple of times to re-connect, but Pierre had been distant and reserved. Still Alex smiled at the other man, greeted him. <br/>Pierre looked up from the floor, as if he hadn’t noticed Alex before. He forced a small smile onto his lips and nodded, then walked on.<br/>“Pierre,” Alex called after him. “Are you okay?”<br/>Pierre turned back to Alex, “Yeah, sure. I’m fine.”<br/>Alex took a step closer to him. He knew that look. Pierre was not fine, he had his shoulders pulled up and his eyes were red, as if he had been crying. “Do you want to talk?” Alex offered before he could decide against it.<br/>“No… I…” <br/>Alex crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. “Look, I get it if you don’t like me much. But you are not fine. And I want to help.”<br/>“No, Alex, I really don’t dislike you…” Pierre sighed, then admitted, “I tried but I couldn’t, actually. But there’s nothing you can do,” he shook his head.<br/>“You might be surprised,” Alex smiled. “Come on in, have a water and calm down. You don’t have to talk, but if you change your mind…”<br/>Alex retreated until he stood in front of his room, he unlocked the door and held it open. He raised one eyebrow at Pierre. <br/>The other hesitated for another moment. Then he shrugged and walked into Alex’s room. Some company might be good against the dark thoughts. <br/>Pierre sat down on the sofa while Alex got him a bottle of water from the small fridge. They sat in silence for a moment, Alex on his bed, turned towards Pierre. Strangely, the silence didn’t feel half as awkward as it should. Pierre felt some of the tension drain from his shoulders and relaxed a bit into the cushions. He uncapped the bottle and drank the cold water. <br/>“Do you want to tell me why you cried?” Alex asked gently.<br/>“Not really… it’s love stuff,” Pierre looked at his hands.<br/>“Ah,” Alex nodded understandingly. “Do you have someone to talk to about it?” he inquired.<br/>Pierre shrugged, it wasn’t that he didn’t have anyone who would listen, more that he just didn’t want anyone to see how pathetic he was. “Do you happen to have pain killers? I cried so much it gave me a headache.”<br/>“No, I don’t. But I might have something else, to help.”<br/>Pierre looked at the other questioningly, head leaned to one side. Alex slipped backwards a little so he sat in the middle of the bed, crossed his legs and placed a pillow on them. He slightly patted the pillow, “Drink up and come here.”<br/>Pierre did not know exactly why he followed the other’s instructions, but he emptied the bottle and placed it on the small table next to the sofa. He sat down on the edge of the bed a little awkwardly. “What do you want to do?”<br/>Alex rubbed his fingers against each other, to warm them, “Give you a little massage, it’ll help you relax and your headache might get better.” He leaned forward, placed both hands on Pierre’s shoulders and gently pulled him backwards so his head came to rest on the pillow.<br/>Pierre looked up at Alex, feeling uncertain. This was a little too intimate for two people who didn’t really know each other. <br/>Alex placed both hands against Pierre’s temples. “Close your eyes, and stop thinking that this is weird.” Alex smiled and Pierre decided to just go with it, so he closed his eyes.<br/>For a few moments, Alex didn’t move, just rested his warm fingers against Pierre’s cheeks. Then he started moving his hands, slowly and lightly from Pierre’s temples to the angle of his jaw, fingertips touching his chin. It felt like a caress. Alex hands moved upwards, fingertips gently wiping across Pierre’s forehead, pushing the hair out of his face. The slowness, and the near complete absence of sounds, was calming and Pierre felt himself sink deeper into the mattress and the pillow. <br/>His breathing calmed down. Alex’s touch got firmer, fingertips moving in circles from the ends of Pierre’s eyebrows down to his chin, over and over, applying a little more pressure on the muscles in his cheeks. <br/>Pierre lost all sense of time, he felt cared for and slowly his mind emptied while he listened to Alex’s breathing. After a while, the touch got lighter again until Alex just rested his palms against Pierre’s cheeks once more, the same way he had begun. <br/>Pierre gave a little shiver when Alex took his hands away. He opened his eyes and looked up; too comfortable and too lazy to move away. His head felt lighter. The pain wasn’t gone, but his brain was calmer.<br/>“Thank you. That felt very nice,” Pierre said and wanted to sit up. But a hand on his shoulder stopped him.<br/>“You don’t have to get up right away,” Alex told him, voice low. <br/>“Where did you learn that?” Pierre asked. <br/>Alex smiled, “I paid attention.”<br/>“Ah.”<br/>“I like doing this, calms me down, too,” Alex said.<br/>Pierre gave him a small smile, “Well, I’ll ask for it next time you seem agitated.”<br/>Alex chuckled, “Might not even be a bad idea. Don’t get to do this often anymore.”<br/>They looked at each other for a moment in silence, but still an understanding passed between them.<br/>“If I tell you something, can you promise me that I can trust you?” Pierre asked. He knew he already trusted Alex anyway, it was impossible not to.<br/>Alex sighed. “Of course you can trust me.”<br/>“Yeah, I guess you already have my seat, so nothing more to gain.”<br/>“Ouch.” <br/>Pierre shrugged a little. “I mean, of course I am still disappointed, but I try to console myself with the thought that it must have happened for a reason.”<br/>“I never wanted anything like this…” Alex said quietly.<br/>Pierre sat up and looked at him, giving him a small smile. “I know.” <br/>“So, what did you want to tell me?” Alex rested both hands on the now empty pillow. </p><p>And so Pierre told Alex about the bet; he was aware Alex already knew about it. How he had been in love with Charles for such a long time. How hard that was sometimes and how little Charles seemed to actually care, since he never even stopped to think about what Pierre wanted. When emotions threatened to overwhelm him again, Alex simply hugged Pierre.<br/>“I’m sorry that I didn’t refuse Charles’ stupid request,” Alex said. It felt good to be able to apologize because it had weighed on his mind since the day.<br/>Pierre took a few deep breaths. Thankful for the little distraction it offered he asked, “Why didn’t you?”<br/>“It might sound petty, but I was a little miffed about…” Alex bit his lip, “I don’t even really know…”<br/>“Charles kissing Lando… and George?” Pierre offered.<br/>“Yeah, I guess. And he was getting on my nerves. I tried to talk to him, told him he needed to have a talk with you… he was a little bitch about it.” <br/>Pierre snorted, “I can imagine.” <br/>There was a moment of silence.<br/>“Why did you think we should talk?” Pierre wondered.<br/>Alex sighed. “Listen… I have watched you two change in the ways you interact with each other… and I didn’t like it. It’s utterly heart-breaking to watch, actually. And… yeah, I’m not proud of it, but worrying about others sometimes helps me to worry less about myself. I often tried to reach out to you, because I noticed you were unhappy, but you ignored me, which I do understand, so no offense.”<br/>“Thank you for not giving up,” Pierre pulled out of the hug. <br/>Alex gave him a small smile.<br/>“I don’t get how you could guess it.” Still a little disbelieving Pierre shook his head.<br/>Alex gave him a shrug. “Probably just good at reading the signs… being in love with an oblivious idiot isn’t easy. But at least my idiot treats me well…”<br/>Pierre gaped at him for a moment, it was less the revelation itself than the casual way Alex admitted to it. Pierre snapped his mouth shut and gave Alex a thin, close-lipped smile. </p><p>In the weeks that followed Pierre heard nothing from Charles. He only saw him from afar. It made him angry and sad in equal measures. Most of all though, it hurt. Was that it? Would Charles simply avoid him until the end of either of their careers, lives? Did their shared history really hold that little value to him? <br/>Pierre had to force himself not to break the silence between them. If he wasn’t strong, if he was the one to give in this time, things would never change. Or course Pierre did not manage not to check Charles’ social media, of course he couldn’t stop himself from staring at the screen when it showed an interview with Charles. Pierre had never been good a leaving a bruise alone, always prodding and poking it, scratching at scabs, and this was the same, wasn’t it? Only that no one could actually see the bruise. <br/>He wondered if Charles was watching him in return, and what it was he would see. Pierre couldn’t help but notice how bad Charles looked, like he was barely sleeping – or worse. The skin below his eyes always looked purple, his smiles were always forced and never reached his eyes. <br/>Pierre crossed his arms over his chest and pressed his fingernails into the soft flesh on the back of his arms, knowing he would leave crescent shaped marks there. Concentrating on the pain helped him stick with the resolve not to bend, not to cave in. <br/>Alex stepped next to Pierre. They had spent a lot of their free time together, talking, laughing. It felt nice, Alex was good at distracting Pierre from his dark thoughts. He told him stupid jokes, gave him small tasks to fulfil or just sat there and listened until Pierre had repeated every complaint for the hundredth time. <br/>Alex bumped Pierre’s shoulder, pushed against his arm with an elbow so Pierre stopped digging his nails into his own skin. <br/>“Doesn’t look like he’s doing well either,” Alex observed. His gaze more on Pierre than the screen in front of them.<br/>“No,” Pierre agreed. “Alex… can I ask a favour?”<br/>Alex raised an eyebrow, “Sure, what is it?”<br/>Pierre pressed his lips together for a moment before he replied, “I don’t think Charles is talking to anyone… I am worried, would you… maybe…”<br/>“See if I can get him to talk to me?” Alex finished the question.<br/>Pierre shrugged, not meeting Alex’s gaze. “You’re friends, aren’t you?”<br/>“Yes, we are,” Alex conceded. “Are you sure you want me to?”<br/>At that Pierre nodded. “I hate that I worry about him, but I can’t help it.”<br/>Alex smiled, “I’ll see what I can do.”</p><p>Alex’s phone buzzed in his pocket. <br/>G.: ‘Where are you?’<br/>A.: ‘Talking to Pierre, will be up in a minute.’<br/>G.: ‘Why are you spending so much time? I’m jealous.’<br/>Alex snorted and rolled his eyes. <br/>Pierre looked at the other questioningly so Alex showed him the exchange on the phone. <br/>“If only he was serious,” Alex sighed.<br/>Pierre paused for a moment, contemplating, then asked, “Have considered that he might be?”<br/>“He’s just joking,” Alex told him.<br/>“Like you are always joking, because it would hurt to say those things and mean them?” Pierre gave back.<br/>  Alex bit his lower lip, brows furrowed. <br/>“Maybe you are a bit of an oblivious idiot yourself, Alex?” Pierre asked and smiled at him to take the bite out of his words.<br/>“Do you think I am?” Alex wondered.<br/>Pierre gave him a one-shoulder-shrug, “Yeah, a little, I think.”<br/>“Well…” Alex said, at loss what to say.<br/>Pierre gave him a little shove and said with a grin, “Go on, you don’t have to keep me company.” <br/>“Okay… I will see that I talk to Charles. And… stop punishing yourself, please.”</p><p>On the way up Alex wondered if Pierre was right. Was he as blind as he complained about George being? It couldn’t be, could it? All those jokes, the little side digs… could George really have tried to tell him something between the lines?<br/>Alex knocked on the hotel room door. He grinned a little when he remembered their conversation the first evening at the hotel. The room number being 463 and Alex had complained why he had been left out, so Lando had stuck a post-it reading ‘23’ next to the number. Somehow the service people had left it untouched until now. <br/>George opened the door and didn’t wait for Alex to enter before he retreated and jumped back onto his bed, grabbing his phone. There was no need between them for put on politeness. If their teams hadn’t expressed their rejection of the idea to the hotel staff, they would have exchanged room keys, the three of them.<br/>Alex closed the door after himself and leaned against it, both hands behind his back, sweaty palms steady against the door. He watched George until the other looked back at him. <br/>“Why are you standing there, Alex?” <br/>“Are you really?” Alex asked. He cleared his throat, “Jealous, I mean.” <br/>“Yes,” George replied.<br/> “Why?”<br/>“Because I don’t want you to like someone else better than me,” George said, sounding very matter-of-fact, as if it was the most obvious thing.<br/>“Oh come on, be serious,” Alex told him.<br/>George put down his phone and got up from the bed. “Alex, I am serious. That thought really scares me.”<br/>“Why?” Alex looked at George, who now stood only a few steps away from him. The hotel room’s vestibule was dim, the only light source being the lamp next to the bed, so it was hard to read in each other’s faces.<br/>“I know that someday you will fall in love, but,” George swallowed, gaze wandering around without settling anywhere, “until that day I want to keep on pretending it could be me.”<br/>Before George had a chance to walk back into the room, Alex surged forward, threw his arms around the other’s shoulders and kissed him.<br/>“What?” George seemed too startled to understand what had happened.<br/>Alex felt as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders, for the moment he felt carefree and happy. He laughed, “It has been you all along.”</p><p>*</p><p> Alex decided to not waste time and went out of his way to catch Charles on the way back to the hotel the next evening. Even though the day had gone well for him, Charles seemed to be down. Alex tried to cut off his way, but Charles had spotted him and consequently tried to avoid Alex. <br/>Alex was on a mission though and therefore not discouraged that easily. He also felt rather invincible right then, so this might have given him an extra boost of confidence. Alex easily caught up with Charles and stopped him with a hand lightly placed onto his shoulder. <br/>“I don’t want to talk to you,” Charles immediately said.<br/>Alex smiled at him, “And why is that?”<br/>“You will try to fix me,” Charles replied, he only sounded tired though.<br/>“Wrong,” Alex told him.<br/>Charles looked at him with narrowed eyes, at least he had stopped walking.<br/>“I want to help you fix yourself. Charles you are my friend and I have looked at the mess you are long enough.” Alex pulled back his hand, and grasped his hands together in front of him.<br/>Charles pressed his lips into a thin line.<br/>“Come on, let’s spend a little time together and see if you find you want to talk to me,” Alex encouraged.<br/>“Yeah, okay.” Charles’ shoulders slumped, if possible, even more.<br/>“Great, I’m coming over later, do you want me to bring anything?”<br/>Charles just shook his head.</p><p>There was a slight possibility that Charles wouldn’t open his door, pretend he wasn’t there. And Alex wondered how persistent he should be. He couldn’t force Charles to talk to him. It was just an offer. <br/>Alex had been very relieved when Pierre had asked him. Truth was, Alex had held back from trying to talk to Charles because he didn’t know how Pierre would take it, if their friendship was already strong enough to not see it as some sort of betrayal. <br/>Charles opened the door after the first time Alex knocked.<br/>Alex held a clear plastic cup with sliced fruits out to Charles, who took it with a raised eyebrow.<br/>“You look like a vampire, might do well with a few vitamins,” Alex told him while he took off his shoes.<br/>Charles pointed at the armchair in front of the window and Alex sat down. He watched Charles walk to the mini fridge, getting two bottles of water, then across the room again to hand one to Alex. Then back to his bed, standing next to it looking lost for a moment before he sat down. <br/>Alex automatically catalogued everything he observed. He had seen Charles in various stages of hurt and grief over the years, this looked very similar. Though Alex knew there had to have a different reason this time. <br/>Absentmindedly Charles took the lid off the plastic cup and picked out a piece of strawberry. He looked at it for a moment before he put it in his mouth and started chewing slowly.<br/>“What’s going on, Charles?” Alex asked quietly.<br/>Charles looked up startled as if he had forgotten Alex was even there. He ate a piece of mango before he replied, “I don’t know.”<br/>Alex raised both eyebrows. “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?”<br/>Charles gave a heavy sigh, closed the cup and put it to the side, so he could clasp his hands in his lap. “I don’t know where to start.”<br/>“Do you want me to ask questions?” Alex offered.<br/>Charles shook his head. “Maybe… just give me a moment… I can try to find words to explain…”<br/>“Take all the time you need.” Alex opened the water bottle. He kept his eyes on Charles, trying to catch his gaze, but Charles didn’t look up.<br/>“You already know about the bet…” Charles began, “you told me it was stupid and that I was missing something… I,” he swallowed. “I wasn’t. I know what has been happening. I made a choice, to keep more distance to Pierre, but I was really bad at going through with it properly. So it’s been… up and down, like a yo-yo, close-distant-close-distant…” he shook his head. “I was kind of surprised you noticed something was up though.” Charles pulled his legs up onto the bed and crossed them, playing with the hem of his socks. “I know I have hurt his feelings. I know he has feelings for me. It makes me feel like shit, but I can’t… do anything about it.”<br/>It became obvious that Charles wasn’t going to continue, so Alex asked. “Why did you want to put distance between you and Pierre?”<br/>Charles voice was so quiet Alex almost couldn’t hear him, “I’m in love with him.”<br/>Alex stared at Charles, mouth open. <br/>Charles lifted his gaze and looked at Alex, mouth set in a tight line, daring him to contradict him.<br/>“That doesn’t even make sense…” Alex mumbled.<br/>“It’s the truth.”<br/>“Then why…? Why treat him like that, why hurt him when you know you’re doing it, why make yourself miserable?” Alex asked. <br/>“He can’t know,” Charles said.<br/>“But… if you know how he feels about you…” Alex began.<br/>“It cannot be!” Charles insisted stubbornly. He got up from the bed and was about to walk off, but Alex caught him by the wrist.<br/>“Why not?”<br/>Charles looked down at Alex, who was still sitting. Slowly the tension drained from Charles; first his shoulders sank, his jaw relaxed and his expression became soft and vulnerable. He let himself drop onto the floor next to Alex’s feet.<br/>“What if I lose him?” Charles asked quietly. It sounded terrified and broken and Alex felt his heart ache. He wanted to reply, but couldn’t.<br/>Charles let his head sink against Alex’s thigh, and Alex ran a gentle hand through his hair. <br/>“I can’t let him in any closer, it hurts so much, but it has to be. I couldn’t bear if something happened to him. And please don’t tell me it wouldn’t because you know nobody can make that promise.” <br/>Alex couldn’t see it, but it was obvious in the other’s voice that he had started to cry. <br/>“And therefore I need to stop this before it gets stronger, before…” a sob ended the sentence.<br/>Alex kept on stroking Charles’ hair, he spoke quietly, “Well… what if you keep holding back and lose him without ever getting the chance to tell him how you feel about him… wouldn’t that be even worse, adding regrets?”<br/>Charles moved so he could wrap both arms around Alex’s waist, face still pressed against his thigh, really crying now. Alex wrapped both arms around Charles’ shoulders in response, making calming noises, but otherwise letting him cry it out. <br/>Once Charles had calmed down again, Alex said. “It is a terrifying thought, losing someone you love… but isn’t that all the more reason to try and be happy, together, for as long as possible?”<br/>Charles lifted his head, to look at Alex, he rubbed his cheeks with both hands, “I’m not good at being happy.”<br/>Alex gave him a smile. “Maybe it’s time you learn again.”<br/>“Do you think it is too late to talk to Pierre?” Charles asked.<br/>“No. I think it’s high time you talked to him.”</p><p>It took another ten days for Charles to gather enough courage to follow Alex’s advice. He drove up to Pierre’s home, the rain was pouring down and there had been an accident on the road, causing a major traffic jam. It was late when Charles parked his car. Of course he didn’t have an umbrella. He cursed, staring out through the windscreen. The sound of raindrops hitting the roof only got louder. Maybe he should just turn around and drive home – clearly someone wanted to send him a message. But the way home would easily take several hours, without delays, meaning he would drive through half the night. Charles was too tired for that, and while he wasn’t known for being the most reasonable person, that didn’t mean he was going to invite an accident.  Maybe he could just sleep in the car, then drive home in the morning? <br/>Charles picked up his mobile from the centre console of his car. He pressed the little button to illuminate the screen, looking at his lock screen picture until the display turned dark again. He repeated it. A silly picture of him and Pierre, much younger, with arms thrown around each other’s shoulders, taken during some holiday he barely remembered. <br/>No, he had to see this through now. He needed to set this right between them, owed Pierre an apology, at least. <br/>And then… maybe Pierre would even agree that it was safer for them to stay out of each other’s lives. Charles gave a short laugh, no, who was he kidding, he knew Pierre well enough that that would be the last thing he would want. Hadn’t Pierre proven to him time and again that he was willing to fight for them? Charles wasn’t sure he really wanted it either.<br/>Charles got out of the car, pushed his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. He didn’t bother to put on a jacket, it was summer and the air, even with the rain, wasn’t too cold. He stood next to his car and stared up at the house, only few windows were illuminated. His shirt was soaked through within seconds and he could feel the fat raindrops hitting his head and run down into his eyes. He shivered despite the high temperatures and goose bumps ran up his arms. Slowly he made his way to Pierre’s door, hoping the other wouldn’t close it in his face, as he had every right to do. </p><p>It took ages until the light behind the door was switched on, and another few seconds before the door was opened. Still, the time was too short for Charles to figure out what he was going to say.<br/>Pierre stood in the doorway, looking down at Charles on the steps to his front door. He crossed his arms and simply observed the other. Miserable, tired, looking like a drowned rat, but still… he was there. <br/>Pierre sighed and took a step to the side, “Come in before you catch a cold.”<br/>There was a small bathroom next to the entrance and Pierre grabbed a towel from inside, holding it out for Charles. It was only small, but enough to dry his face so he could actually open his eyes without water running into them.<br/>Pierre leaned against the wall with one shoulder, waiting for Charles to open conversation. His heart was beating against his ribs, but he was determined that he would not make this easy. <br/>“I came to apologize,” Charles finally said, hands squeezing and twisting the towel between them.<br/>Pierre raised an eyebrow. <br/>“I have been an idiot and I would like to explain, so I can ask you to forgive me.”<br/>“Okay, I am listening,” Pierre said, trying to ignore how the other shivered from the air conditioning. Pity had to wait.<br/>“I shouldn’t have run out on you, I shouldn’t have ignored you. I knew why you were angry. I have tried to push you away, to protect myself, and that was selfish of me. But I have only done it half-heartedly because I never really wanted you to not be there. I have always worried I could lose you one day, and…” Charles stopped, pressing his lips together and taking a few breaths, his eyes a little red from unshed tears, “and I tried really hard not to fall in love with you, but I couldn’t help it and it scared me so much, I couldn’t face it.”<br/>Pierre sighed once more. “Go upstairs, take a shower and put on dry clothes, you know where to find everything. I will prepare some food; you must be hungry. And then we can talk about this.”</p><p>They sat on the sofa together, sideways, facing each other. The meal had been mostly quiet apart from Pierre asking Charles about the journey. They each held a cup of tea.<br/>“Tell me, Charles, why is it that you always choose the complicated approach to every problem?” Pierre wondered.<br/>“I should have told you,” Charles admitted. “But I thought I could get over it. And again, I should have told you when I realised you felt the same about me….”<br/>Involuntarily Pierre nodded.<br/>“I just couldn’t. I didn’t want you to become even more important to me. And I realise now how silly that was. And how badly I have treated you...” Charles looked at the cup he held between both hands. “And that it wasn’t up to me alone to make that decision.”<br/>“What do you want to do now?” Pierre asked, keeping himself guarded for now.<br/>Charles didn’t immediately reply. He watched the rain splash against the window behind the sofa. “I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel bad because of me anymore. That’s my priority. But… the situation has not changed. I am still torn between wanting to be close to you and being scared to be too close to you,” he finally admitted.<br/>Pierre looked into his cup, there were only a few particles swirling in the dregs left, “No matter what you choose, you have to be in it one hundred per cent.”<br/>Charles nodded. “I…” he licked his lips.<br/>Pierre looked up, watching him silently.<br/>“I would like to try to be happy… but I think I forgot how to do that. And I have suffered, these weeks without you, even if I have tried to tell myself it would get better eventually, I hated it. And I know you hated it, too, I could see it. So maybe, it’s not a good thing if you let me make decisions all the time,” Charles gave Pierre a small, tentative smile. “Or at all.”<br/>Pierre placed the cup onto the window sill. “There is something you should know. I have always been afraid to stand up to you, because I… I figured I needed you more than you needed me. And then I realized I had fallen in love with you and I didn’t want to give you even more power over me. But these past few weeks, I hated it, too. We can’t go back to how it once was, I need you to respect me and act accordingly. But I really want to see you happy. And no matter what happens, I don’t want to miss out on any single more day with you.”<br/>Pierre reached out towards the other, he held out his hand, palm facing upwards and waited until Charles placed his hand in Pierre’s.  <br/>There were tears in Charles’ eyes. “I don’t deserve you…”<br/>“Charles, that’s nonsense.”<br/>Charles shook his head, “You are too kind.”<br/>Pierre leaned forward and cupped Charles’ cheek with one hand. “Then I suggest you work extra hard to prove to me that you are worth it.”<br/>They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, trying to look into their souls. <br/>Then Charles nodded minutely. “Promise.” <br/>And Pierre leaned in to kiss him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you think &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know what you think; if I should add more tags or if you you want to point things out to me that I missed.<br/>I'm always happy to receive feedback.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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